Resident Evil 2 X!
by Biohazard Bandit
Summary: This is what severe boredom can do to you. It's (obviously) a parody of RE2... and hopefully it is somewhat humorous... please give me *some* feedback, this is the first fic I've put up on this site! ^_^;;
1. Enter the horror

Resident Evil 2... X!  
  
*blip* New Game. *bleep* *KOOSH!*   
  
"RESIDENT HILLLLL--I mean, EVILLLLL!!!" *coughhack*   
  
~~"Damnit Bob, get it right this time!" _o!  
  
~~"Fuck you!!" *coughcough* -__-;;  
  
"Raccoon City... A Midwestern town blah blah stuff you already know, yet information changes slightly with each prologue yada yada chitty chitty bang bang bing boom blahhhhh you know the drill; people survived, places blew up, booyah! let's go!!" *KOOSH!*  
  
- Claire flies down the road on her motorcycle at super-duper-uber-fast speeds, and screeches to a stop, flying off the bike in slow motion, then skidding across the asphalt.   
  
"Geez, I gotta stop doin' that..." She stood up and attempted to wipe some of the excess blood off and stepped into the diner.   
  
"Oh yes, because I just KNOW that Chris, my brother who was a member of S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team and went completely undercover to avoid Umbrella's evil-ness, MUST be in a deserted gas-station/diner in Raccoon City. Why shouldn't he be."  
  
"Hellooooo... is anybody here that's not a zombie? Because I really don't like to walk into seemingly empty rooms and finding that there are actually zombies hiding behind counters so-- AH SHIT!!"  
  
"Mmmppphhhh!" *chompchompchew*   
  
Claire was confused. "What was that? What did you say?"   
  
The zombie chef dude looked up at Claire for a second, then spit out his mouthful of flesh.   
  
"UNGH, bitch, UNGGGHHH!!"  
  
"Oh sorry, it was just kinda hard to understand you when you've got all that bloodied human fle...um...I think I better go now, sorry to bother you..."  
  
"Oh, you're not bothering me. This one was starting to get cold anyways...so...UUUGGGHHHH!!" The zombie stood up and started stumbling towards Claire.  
  
"Damn, why are the zombies so much more quick in the FMV scenes?!" She tried to run to the front door and found that there were several undead people banging on it:  
  
~"What time does this place open?!!"   
  
~"Uuuugh!!"   
  
~"I thought this place was open 24 hours, it's a goddamn diner!!"   
  
~"Fuck this, I'm going to Denny's. Uuuugh."  
  
Claire, freaked out, ran to the back door and flung it open, only to find... oooh, hot guy! With gun! Aimed at my head! Er.. Yikes!   
  
"Wait, don't shoot!"  
  
"Dumbass! I'm aiming at the thing BEHIND you, gosh. So GET DOWN!"  
  
*bang bang, zombie groans and falls over*  
  
"Come on, fellow protagonist, we should probably go back to my police car where it's safe, even though you know as well as I do that there's no possible way for us to die since we are, in fact, the main characters."  
  
". . . huh?"  
  
". . . . nevermind. Now hurry the fuck up!"  
  
They both hop into the police car and peel out, not without plowing over a few walking corpses in the process.   
  
"The radio's out! As if I actually expected it to work, along with all the phones in the city, to assist us in our escape from this living nightmare!"  
  
"Oh yeah. Definitely. Are you really a cop?"  
  
"Nooo, noooo... I'm a male stripper who looks almost like a real damn cop, OF COURSE I'M A REAL FUCKING COP!"  
  
"Oh. Okay."   
  
"So um. Hi. Pretty girl. I'm Leon S. Kennedy. Because I'm sure you really cared what my middle initial was."  
  
"Yeah. . . okay. . . I'm Claire, Claire Redfield. Because all characters that state their name MUST state it in its entirety and say it in a cheap mockery of James Bond."  
  
"Riiiight... So what brings you 'round these here parts?"  
  
"I'm searching for my brother Chris, Chris Redfield."  
  
"Yeah yeah whatever, now let's get the heck outta here."  
  
"Sounds good to me!"  
  
"Open the glove box. It has a gun in it."  
  
"Ooooh! Yay!"  
  
"Now remember, shoot anything that moves. Other than me. And yourself. And survivors..but we all know that there never are any, unless they end up dying later/becoming villains/becoming main characters in a RE game."  
  
Claire continually nodded her head. "Okay. Got it. Yep. It's aaaall good."  
  
But their nice, little.. hectic, chaotic drive was interrupted by a gigantic 18 wheeler that was speeding to catch up to them.  
  
"Shit! He's trying to run me off the road! Hold on..."  
  
Leon cuts the wheel, causing the police car to turn a sharp left and roll over a few times before it landed upright and continued driving down another road. But the diesel is still following them, so they keep on driving.   
  
"Ew, goddamn.. Leon, did you fart?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Okay. . . . . are you sure?"  
  
"No, I seriously did not fart!. . . but I may have shit my pants a little bit."  
  
"A little bit?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Just then, a zombie that looked freakishly identical to Leon leaped up from the back seat (I don't even wanna know how it got back there) and attacked Leon.  
  
"OH SWEET JESUS!!"  
  
"Eek! Like, ohmigosh! The zombie is like totally clawing at your faaace!!"  
  
"Y'know, instead of me cutting the wheel in terror yet again, you could use that gun I gave you 5 seconds ago to kill it... or at least elbow it a few times to make it stop... or bash its head in with the butt of the gun, or SOMETHING. . .just an idea though..."  
  
"Oh yeah. Sorry." Claire sat there for a moment deep in thought, then pressed her body against her side of the car and started screaming at the top of her lungs.  
  
"Great. Perfect." Leon turned the vehicle violently again, and ended up crashing straight into a brick wall. The zombie from the back seat flew through the windshield.  
  
"HAHA! That's what you get for not wearing a seatbelt!" Claire and Leon both turn towards the camera and smile, while cheesy music plays in the background for about a second. Then they turn around in their seats to stare at the 18 wheeler that is still barreling towards the wrecked car.   
  
"Hmm. . ."  
  
"What. . .what should we do now?"  
  
"I.. Um.. Well.. I'm not all that sure."  
  
"Ohh Ohh! I know!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Let's GET OUT OF THE DAMN CAR!!!"  
  
"Yeah, Uh-huh, like you actually had to tell me that for me to know to get out..."  
  
They both get their seatbelts off and jump out of the car JUST before the truck crashes into the car. The explosion separates them on opposite sides of impassable, flaming debris.  
  
"Claaaire!"  
  
"Leeeon!!"  
  
"Go to the police station! I'll meet you there!!"  
  
"Okay!!. . . wait, how would I know where the police station is in this town?"  
  
Before she could ask Leon, she could already hear him running off into the distance, laughing gleefully.  
  
"Oh. Great. We're separated. Mhmmm.........I'm so fucked."-  
  
They were separated by blah blah blah nobody even reads this subtitle crap anymore, blah blah blah this crap types out so slow hurry the fuck up I wanna play the game already blah blah...  
  
And so, the game begins...finally. Claire finds herself plunged into a world full of rendered environments and coarsely pixelated zombies.  
  
((thanks for reading! i'm hoping to get the next chapter up a.s.a.p.! ^_^)) 


	2. Eek, wrong game!

*blip* Load Game. *bleep* *KOOSH!*  
  
Tap-tap-tap, tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap--*eats the typewriter*  
  
You have once again stepped into the world of survival horror...  
Good luck...  
~~NOT! You're so screwed!! MWAHAHA--*coughcough*--HA!   
  
-"Okay... I wonder what I should be more afraid of; Umbrella's T-Virus experiments, or their experiments in CLONING!"  
  
Because just then, a mob of ten zombies lurched towards her; five identical cops, three identical men in black shirts and jeans, and two identical men in off-white shirts and green pants.  
  
"Uuughhhh..."  
  
But Claire wasn't about to stick around, it was time to get the hell out. She started running in no apparent direction...for about five hours. She finally wound up in front of the R.P.D. by some eery stroke of luck.  
  
"Phew, that took a while... I sure am hungry.. and thirsty.. and I gotta pee... and I need a bath....."  
  
She sat down on the steps of the police station for a few minutes to rest, and to complain some more... when she actually saw another human!  
  
"Woah, who are you?!"  
  
The woman who walked up to her was wearing a light blue tube top and a short black skirt.  
  
"Jill... Jill Valentine."  
  
"I'm Claire, Claire Redfield. I'm searching for my brother Chris, Chris Redfield."  
  
"Oh."  
  
". . . shouldn't you know where he is?"  
  
". . . . OH! Yeah. He's not here. Definitely not here."  
  
"Okay... soooo... why're you here then?"  
  
"I'm, uh, trying to find some jewels. To open a big door. And stuff."  
  
"Damn puzzles...Maybe I could help you out?"  
  
"No, no... you can't. It's against the rules."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we're in two different games. So like. Yeah. You can't help me."  
  
"Ohhhhh... Even though it takes place at the same time?"  
  
"Yeah. We weren't even supposed to meet at all."  
  
"But.. how could we NOT run into each other?! This town isn't THAT big!!"  
  
"That, I don't know."  
  
Claire scratched her head, then stood up and turned to open the front doors of the R.P.D.  
  
"Oh well who cares, let's get those damn jewels."  
  
"Um. Okay. But if I get in trouble you are SO dead."  
  
But, just as they they were about to open the doors... they heard:  
  
"STAAARRRSSS!!!"  
  
The girls both screamed and proceeded in wetting themselves as a huge monster began walking towards them, rocket launcher in hand. He was walking very slowly, then ran for a few seconds! the started walking again... then ran for another two seconds! then walked some more...-  
  
*THUMPTHUMP!!*   
~Choose your path!~  
Run into the police station / Fight the monster  
  
Claire looked down at herself in shock.  
  
"Holy monkey! We've suddenly changed to black and white!"  
  
"And we're frozen in time! And I hear a heart beat!!"  
  
"Oh crap! What do we do?!"  
  
They watched as Nemesis ran at them in slow motion, like they were caught in a really big strobe light.  
  
"Um... RUN INTO THE POLICE STATION!"  
  
And then they were safe, controlled by the magical power of cut scenes to run inside the huge building.  
  
"Damn! These doors are boarded up!"  
  
"No they're not..."  
  
"Yes they are! Look at them!! They're nailed shut!"  
  
"No, no.. that's not what I see."  
  
"Wha?!! Oh. Right. Different game. I gotcha."  
  
So they kept on walking, and Claire logged onto the computer in the center of the room.  
  
"I'm glad I have access to an outside connection! Now all I have to do is send an e-mail to-- crap, wrong game again. Why do I keep doing that?"  
  
"Jet lag? Er, motor..cycle...lag....I'm shutting up now."  
  
Claire cursed angrily at herself and shut off the computer.   
  
"This helps us none then!! Bah!!"  
  
They both stood there for a moment, just thinking.  
  
"Hey. Claire."  
  
"What?....What is it?......wait.....no.....don't say it, don't say it! PLEASE NOOOO--"  
  
"--We should split up.--"  
  
"--DAMNIT, WHY?!!! Between the two of us we have two brains (which aren't *hardly* even classified as functional in my book), two sets of eyes to search with (which never find anything useful), two sets of item boxes (that conveniently have endless amounts of space and fit nicely and neatly into your back pocket *justlikeinfinalfantasy*), and two sets of weapons (which Jill gets an unfair amount of weapons/ammo/thing-that-makes-ammo...while Claire gets a mere handgun to fend off the evil with). So why would we EVER want to fuckin' split up?!"  
  
"Because it's what we do. So go search that half of the station. We'll meet back here, um, later."  
  
"Fine, fine..."  
  
So Jill went through the doors that were somehow un-boarded up in her dimension, and Claire went through the doors that led to the secretary's office.   
  
~*~* 3 Hours Later *~*~  
  
"So, Claire, did you find anything useful?"  
  
"I found a bomb, grenade launcher, shotgun, lighter, and two keys."  
  
"Oh, how very..un-useful."  
  
"Huh?! Well what did YOU find then?!"  
  
"Well, I found a red jewel, a medallion, and *most importantly* a spool of film!"  
  
". . . .?"  
  
"So, what should we do now? Now that we have these items?"  
  
"Hmmm... why don't we take this bomb, go outside, use the bomb to blow up the debris that is trapping us in this hell hole, and escape?"  
  
"Hnn. Interesting idea. But no, I'm sorry we just can't do that. It seems... all too easy..."  
  
"Oh alright. Sounded pretty good though.."  
  
"No. Not really, no. We should probably develop this film and see if it has anything vital to our situation."  
  
". . . not the brightest crayon in the box, are you?"  
  
"You'd be surprised at how many people have told me that."  
  
"Sure.. whatever... I wonder how Leon is holding up?"-  
  
((thanks, again, for reading! check back for Chapter 3; it promises a peek into Leon's adventure! ^_~)) 


End file.
